You can also find storytelling ideas here: Teaching Guide, see #193-200.
You'll want to click on track 151 to start the audio portion for this section:
~ 151. Nasruddin and the Small Boat ~
Nasruddin had gone fishing with a friend in a very small sailboat.
While they were far from shore, a sudden storm blew up unexpectedly. Fierce winds ripped the sails to shreds and waves tossed the boat back and forth.
When the little boat began to fill with water, Nasruddin was truly frightened. "What are we going to do?" he shouted at his friend.
"Do not worry," said his friend calmly. "Let us direct our prayers to God, who is great and merciful."
"God is great and merciful, I know," replied Nasruddin, "but this boat is small and it is sinking!"
~ 152. Nasruddin and the Ship's Passengers ~
Nasruddin was working on a ship, but he still made sure to say his daily prayers. The passengers all laughed at him, though, and they did not say their prayers.
Then, a sudden storm blew up and the ship was in danger of sinking. All the passengers began to pray loudly to God.
"O God," each passenger shouted, "you are great and merciful! Spare us! Please! I'll be a good Muslim! I'll dedicate my life to your service!"
After a while, Nasruddin shouted, "I see land ahead. We're saved!" And then he added, "You can stop your pretended devotions now."
~ 153. Nasruddin's Hurried Prayers ~
Nasruddin was in a hurry when he went into the mosque to say his prayers.
When the imam saw how quickly Nasruddin was praying, he hit Nasruddin on the head. "Say your prayers again!" he commanded. "And show some respect this time."
Nasruddin said his prayers again, more slowly.
"That was better!" said the imam. "I'm sure God was more pleased with your prayers the second time than the first time."
"I'm not so sure," said Nasruddin. "The first time I said my prayers in obedience to God, but the second time I said my prayers in obedience to you."
~ 154. Nasruddin Needs New Shoes ~
Nasruddin wasn't a wealthy man. His clothes were threadbare, and his shoes were even worse, much to Nasruddin's shame. He wanted to buy new shoes, but he couldn't even afford to pay the shoemaker to repair his old shoes.
A friend sought to console him. "Don't worry, Nasruddin," he said. "Your shoes may be shabby now, but God has promised that anyone suffering from need and want in this world will be rewarded in Paradise."
"I was thinking about that," replied Nasruddin, "and I realized there must be a lot of angels who are working as shoemakers there in Paradise."
~ 155. Nasruddin's Inshallah ~
"I'm going to buy a new donkey tomorrow," declared Nasruddin.
His wife rebuked him. "You should say 'Insh'allah!'"
But Nasruddin was feeling self-confident and refused to say "God-willing."
The next day he bought his donkey.
"I'm doing fine on my own!" he thought to himself.
But on the way home, a snake startled the donkey.
The donkey bolted, throwing Nasruddin into the brambles.
Nasruddin was scratched, his clothes were torn, and his donkey was gone.
It was dark when Nasruddin got home.
He knocked at the door.
"Who is it?" his wife asked.
"Nasruddin!" he replied. Then he added, "Insh'allah!"
~ 156. Who Gets the Loaf of Bread? ~
Nasruddin was traveling together with an ascetic and a scholar, and they had found four loaves of bread.
They each ate one loaf, and then quarreled about the fourth.
Nobody wanted to share, so Nasruddin said, "Whoever has the best dream gets the bread!"
The next morning, the ascetic said, "I dreamed I kissed God's feet. What could top that?"
The scholar said, "My dream's better: God embraced me and praised my wisdom!"
Then Nasruddin said, "In my dream, God came to me and said, 'Nasruddin, what are you lying there for? Go eat the bread now!' So I did."
~ 157. Nasruddin Sees as God Sees ~
Nasruddin was preaching about the divine mysteries. "A thousand years on earth are but one second in God's time," he proclaimed. "Let us see as God sees in order that we may make a heaven on this earth."
"What a fine sermon!" said Nasruddin's neighbor afterwards. "I'm wondering if money works the same way as time. What do a thousand gold coins mean to you?"
"They mean less than a single copper coin!" Nasruddin replied.
"In that case, could you loan me a thousand gold coins?"
"Of course!" said Nasruddin. "Just wait a divine second while I go get them."
~ 158. Nasruddin Commands the Tree ~
"I'm actually a saint," Nasruddin told his neighbor. "And as a saint, I have supernatural powers."
"Prove it!" said his neighbor. "If you have supernatural powers, command that tree over there to come here and bow down to you."
"O Tree," shouted Nasruddin, "come here and bow down to me!"
The tree did not move.
Nasruddin waited a moment, and then he walked over to the tree and bowed down before it.
"What are you doing?" asked his neighbor.
"Saints like me are also very modest," Nasruddin explained. "If the tree won't come to me, I'll go to the tree."
~ 159. Nasruddin by Night ~
"You wouldn't know it just by looking at me," said Nasruddin, "but I have truly miraculous powers."
Nasruddin's friend laughed. "So tell me," he said, "what is your most miraculous power?"
"I can see in the dark! In the darkest darkness, I can see as clearly as if it were broad daylight. I need no light of any kind."
"Surely you’re joking!" his friend objected. "I’ve seen you carrying a lantern in the dark, just like everybody else does."
"Of course!" said Nasruddin, smiling. "But I carry a lantern in the dark only so that others won't run into me."
~ 160. Nasruddin's Tears ~
The imam of Nasruddin's village was delivering a sermon about the prophets, extolling their excellent qualities and illustrious deeds.
As the imam was speaking, Nasruddin began to weep loudly.
"Behold this man's sincere devotion!" the imam exclaimed. "My sermon has moved him to tears."
"It's true," said Nasruddin, sobbing. "This morning, I woke up to discover that my favorite goat had suddenly passed away, and it broke my heart. As I watch your beard wagging back and forth as you speak, it makes me think of my poor dead goat, and I can't help but weep these tears of sorrow."
~ 161. Nasruddin's Lullaby ~
Nasruddin's wife had just given birth, but the baby was restless. She rocked the baby, sang to him, doing everything she could to lull the infant to sleep, but nothing seemed to work.
"I'll take care of it," said Nasruddin.
"You don't know anything about babies!" his wife replied.
"But I know how to put people to sleep," said Nasruddin. "My pupils often fall asleep during my lectures. I'll try lecturing first, and if that doesn't work, I'll give him this boring book to read." Nasruddin took a book down off the shelf. "It puts me to sleep every time!"
~ 162. The Turban of a Scholar ~
People who could not read would sometimes bring letters to Nasruddin so that he could read the letters to them.
One man had brought Nasruddin a letter to read, but the handwriting was terrible.
"This is the worst handwriting I have ever seen," said Nasruddin. "I can't read this letter."
The man was indignant. "You wear the turban of a scholar, but you can't even read a simple letter from my brother."
Nasruddin pulled the turban off his head and threw it at the man. "Go ahead! Take the turban," he said, "and see if you can do any better!"
~ 163. The Eagle Jaliz ~
A scholar was boasting about his knowledge of Islamic traditions. What color was Mohammad's horse? The scholar knew. What is the favorite food of the angels? He knew that too.
Eager to display his knowledge, Nasruddin shouted out, "Jaliz!"
The scholar stared at him coldly. "Is that some kind of name?"
"It's the name of the eagle who swooped down and carried Moses away," replied Nasruddin.
"But there is no record of an eagle swooping down and carrying Moses away."
"Well," retorted Nasruddin, "then Jaliz is the name of the eagle who did not swoop down and carry Moses away."
~ 164. What Is Bread? ~
Some renowned wise men challenged Nasruddin to a contest. Nasruddin agreed, provided he could ask the first question.
This was his question: What is bread?
The wise men wrote their answers on pieces of paper. Nasruddin then read their answers aloud:
Bread is made with flour and water.
Bread is my favorite food.
Bread is a gift of God.
Bread is delicious.
Bread is baked in an oven.
Bread is the staff of life.
Nasruddin sighed. "These supposed wise men cannot even agree what bread is! Why then should we listen to what they say about matters of real difficulty?"
~ 165. Nasruddin and the Butterfly ~
Nasruddin was obsessed with butterflies. Whenever he saw a butterfly, he would stop whatever he was doing and watch the butterfly. He would get up and follow the butterfly, going wherever the butterfly would go until finally it would flutter away.
"I must learn what a butterfly truly is!" Nasruddin declared, so he got a net and caught a butterfly.
Then he took the butterfly and carefully removed its wings.
Next he removed the two antennae, and then the legs, and also the head.
"I can see all the butterfly's parts now," said Nasruddin. "But where did the butterfly go?"
~ 166. Nasruddin Plays the Lute ~
"I can play any instrument!" Nasruddin declared confidently.
His friend gave him a lute. "Play this!" he said.
Nasruddin grabbed the lute and awkwardly strummed a single chord. He then strummed the same chord over and over, smiling contentedly the whole time.
"That sounds horrible," Nasruddin’s friend protested. "Real lute players move their hands up and down when they are playing music on the lute."
"That’s because they don’t know what they're doing, unlike me," retorted Nasruddin. "They are unsure where to find the notes they are looking for, but I know exactly the chord that I want to play."
~ 167. Nasruddin's Grammar ~
Nasruddin was traveling by ship, and a famous scholar was also on board.
Every time Nasruddin spoke, the scholar mocked him. "I've never heard such atrocious language. Didn't you study grammar in school?"
Nasruddin shook his head.
"Well," said the scholar, "I'd say you've wasted your life."
The ship was then caught in a storm.
"Abandon ship!" shouted the captain.
Nasruddin then turned to the scholar and asked, "Didn't you study swimming in school?"
The terrified scholar shook his head.
"Well," said Nasruddin, "I'd say you've wasted your life."
Nasruddin then jumped into the water and swam safely to shore.
~ 168. Nasruddin's Sermon ~
Nasruddin was preaching in a village for the first time.
"Do you know what I'm going to say?" Nasruddin asked.
"No!" the people shouted.
"How can I preach to people so ignorant?" he said and left.
They begged him to come back.
"Do you know what I'm going to say?" he asked again.
"Yes!" they shouted.
"Good! We can all leave."
But they asked him to try one more time.
"Do you know what I'm going to say?" he asked.
"Yes!" shouted some. "No!" shouted others.
"So let those who know teach those who don't!"
That was Nasruddin's last sermon.
~ 169. The Center of the Universe ~
There was a fortune-teller in the marketplace who resented Nasruddin boasting about how wise he was.
"If you're so wise," he said to Nasruddin, "please tell me: where is the center of the universe?" Then he added by way of emphasis, "The exact center."
Nasruddin stroked his beard, looking thoughtful. He then walked over to his donkey and stared at him intently.
"The exact center of the universe," Nasruddin declared, "is under my donkey's right hind hoof."
"Impossible!" retorted the fortune-teller. "You must prove to me that you're right!"
"No," said Nasruddin, "you must prove to me that I'm wrong."
~ 170. The Scholar's Knife ~
The governor issued a decree that nobody in the city was to carry any kind of weapon in public, including knives.
So, when Nasruddin was caught carrying a knife - and it was a very big knife! - they took him to court.
"Why were you carrying that knife?" asked the judge.
"I need it for my work," replied Nasruddin.
"What are you, some kind of butcher?"
"No, I'm not a butcher. I'm a scholar. I use the knife to scrape off errors in manuscripts."
"Why such a big knife?"
"You wouldn't believe the size of some of these errors, Your Honor!"
~ 171. Nasruddin Meets the Governor ~
After a long journey, Nasruddin returned from the big city to his hometown. He looked like some kind of conquering hero, riding proudly on his donkey.
The people all gathered around. "Tell us about your visit to the big city, Nasruddin!" they said.
"Well," replied Nasruddin, as he grinned happily at everyone in the crowd, "the governor himself spoke to me!"
"Oooh!" said some people in the crowd. "Ahhhh!" said others.
"And what exactly did he say to you?" asked Nasruddin's wife.
"He said: 'Get out of my way, you idiot!' Those were the words the governor spoke to me."
~ 172. The Governor Rewards Nasruddin ~
Nasruddin once did a favor for the governor, and the governor announced that he was going to bestow on Nasruddin a great reward. Naturally, Nasruddin was curious what reward the governor would give him.
"Nasruddin," said the governor, "because of your great service to me and to the state, I offer you my eternal friendship."
Nasruddin thought for a moment before he replied. "Thank you, Governor. That is very kind of you," he said. "But if you don't mind, I think I would rather you offered me some gold coins or perhaps a donkey. That would be far more useful."
~ 173. The Governor's Survey ~
The newly appointed governor of the province summoned Nasruddin for an urgent consultation.
"I'm worried," said the governor, "and I need your advice. In my brief time here in the province, I've already met quite a few people who are undoubtedly insane. I find this troubling, and I think we need to conduct a survey to find out just how many people in the province are suffering from insanity. What do you think?"
"Well, Governor, I don't think that's the right approach," replied Nasruddin. "What makes you suspect there are any sane people here in the province to begin with?"
~ 174. The Governor's Poetry ~
The governor considered himself a poet, and one day he asked Nasruddin to listen to his latest poem.
"The content is extremely tedious," Nasruddin told him afterwards, "and the style is even worse."
Enraged, the governor put Nasruddin in jail.
Time passed.
The governor had composed a new poem and decided to give Nasruddin a second chance. He summoned Nasruddin back to court, recited the new poem, and then asked his opinion.
Without a word, Nasruddin got up and started to leave the room.
"Just where do you think you are going?" shouted the governor.
"Back to jail," replied Nasruddin.
~ 175. Guards and Thieves ~
Nasruddin was walking around the perimeter of the imperial palace one day, and he decided to speak with the palace guards standing along the wall.
"Greetings!" said Nasruddin.
The guards nodded silently in reply.
"I would like to know what your duties are exactly. Can you tell me why you are standing guard here?" asked Nasruddin.
"We stand guard to keep any thieves from climbing over the wall."
"I see," said Nasruddin. "And are you more concerned about thieves from outside who are trying to get into the palace, or thieves inside the palace who are trying to get out?"
~ 176. Emperor Tamerlane's Tax Collector ~
Tamerlane was convinced that his tax collector had been cheating him. "Bring the tax collector here! And his account books too!" shouted the emperor.
When the tax collector arrived with his account books, Tamerlane interrogated him. Not satisfied with the answers, Tamerlane made him eat the books page by page.
"Nasruddin," Tamerlane shouted, "you are now my new tax collector."
When Tamerlane later summoned Nasruddin to bring the account books, Nasruddin wheeled in a cart full of bread.
"What on earth is that?" the emperor asked.
"I wrote the accounts on these loaves of bread," explained Nasruddin. "Just in case."
~ 177. Nasruddin and the Roast Pheasant ~
"Ah, roast pheasant! My favorite!" said Emperor Tamerlane. "Nasruddin, you will carve and serve."
"I offer you the head, O Head of the World," he said to Tamerlane.
"The wings are for you," he said to the Treasurer, "so you can fly off as soon as your embezzlement is discovered."
"Here are the legs," he said to the General, "for running from battle."
"Take the neck," he said to the Prime Minister, "for you're sure to be hanged sooner or later."
"The rest of the pheasant is mine," Nasruddin concluded, "because I have done such an excellent job of carving."
~ 178. The Emperor and the Eggplants ~
Tamerlane had become obsessed with eggplants. He wanted to eat eggplants every day. "Aren't eggplants the best food in the world?" he asked Nasruddin.
"Yes, sire," said Nasruddin, "eggplants are the best."
Eventually the king got tired of eating eggplants. "Take this away!" he shouted. "I never want to see another eggplant."
Then he said to Nasruddin, "Aren't eggplants the worst food in the world?"
"Yes, sire," said Nasruddin, "eggplants are the worst."
"But didn't you tell me the other day that eggplants are the best?"
"Yes, sire," said Nasruddin. "My loyalty is to the emperor, not to the eggplants."
~ 179. A Gift for the Emperor ~
Nasruddin was bringing a gift of coconuts to the emperor when another courtier stopped him.
"Give him apricots instead," he whispered to Nasruddin. "Ripe apricots. As ripe as possible. Trust me."
Nasruddin heeded the courtier's advice and returned with a tray of apricots.
"For you, O Great One!" said Nasruddin.
The emperor, however, was in a foul mood. "What kind of gift is this!" he shouted as he pelted Nasruddin with apricots.
"Thanks be to God!" shouted Nasruddin. "Thanks be to God!"
"Why are you thanking God like that?" Tamerlane asked.
"I'm thanking God those are apricots instead of coconuts."
~ 180. Tamerlane and Nasruddin's Donkey ~
"My donkey is so smart I could teach him to read," declared Nasruddin.
The emperor laughed. "Teach him to read, and I'll give you a hundred gold coins."
Nasruddin hurried home, took a book, and put barley between the pages. The donkey turned the pages with his tongue, eating all the barley.
Over time, Nasruddin reduced the amount of barley between the pages. Then, he returned to Tamerlane.
"Behold: the donkey who reads!"
As the donkey turned the pages and didn't find any barley, he started to bray.
"That's not reading!" objected Tamerlane.
Nasruddin laughed. "That's how a donkey reads!"
~ 181. Nasruddin's Bold Claim ~
When Nasruddin was a new minister in Tamerlane's court, he wanted to win the emperor's favor, so he made a bold claim.
"I have an announcement to make!" Nasruddin shouted. "I am actually God in human form."
"Prove it!" replied Tamerlane. "You can't expect us to accept such a claim without proof."
"I have supernatural powers," Nasruddin said calmly. "For example, I can read minds. As God, I can see into every heart and know what people are thinking."
"Then tell me what I'm thinking right now," said Tamerlane.
"Right now," Nasruddin replied, "you're thinking that I am a liar!"
~ 182. Nasruddin the Philosopher ~
A philosopher from a distant land came to Tamerlane's court. "I wish to challenge your philosopher!" he said.
"Nasruddin is my philosopher," replied Tamerlane, and he summoned Nasruddin.
"I will ask you a question," said the foreign philosopher.
"Ask me anything," replied Nasruddin.
"What is the number of stars in the sky?"
Nasruddin smiled. "That's an easy one! The number of stars in the sky is exactly equal to the number of the hairs in my donkey's tail."
"Absurd!" replied the foreign philosopher. "How can you prove it?"
"If you don't believe me," Nasruddin replied, "you can count them yourself."
~ 183. Nasruddin's Qualifications ~
"You're going to be my new judge!" Tamerlane said to Nasruddin, but Nasruddin didn't want the job.
"O Emperor," Nasruddin said apologetically, "I'm not worthy of this honor."
"What do you mean you're not worthy?" exclaimed Tamerlane.
"Well, a judge must be worthy and also truthful," said Nasruddin, "isn't that correct?"
"Yes," said Tamerlane, "that's correct."
"As I already said: I'm not worthy. If I spoke the truth, that disqualifies me: I'm not worthy. If I'm lying and I really am worthy, then I'm disqualified because I'm a liar. Either way," Nasruddin concluded, "I'm not qualified to be your judge."
~ 184. Nasruddin the Archer ~
Tamerlane and his generals were boasting about their archery skills.
"I'm a rather skilled archer myself," proclaimed Nasruddin.
"Is that so?" said Tamerlane, laughing. "Come and show us!"
That was not what Nasruddin expected...
Tamerlane led them all to a field where targets had been set up. Nasruddin's first shot didn't even hit the target.
"I'm just showing you how my father used to shoot."
The next shot landed on the outside rim of the target.
"That's how my brother shoots," Nasruddin said.
On his third shot, Nasruddin hit the center. "And that," he exclaimed triumphantly, "is how I shoot!"
~ 185. Nasruddin and Tamerlane's Whip ~
Serving in Tamerlane's court, Nasruddin saw the emperor engage in many acts of cruelty. Whenever possible, Nasruddin tried to intervene.
One time, the guards brought in a soldier. "He was passed out drunk while on duty, Your Highness," they said.
"I sentence him to five thousand lashes!" the emperor shouted.
Nasruddin burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" asked Tamerlane.
"O Emperor," Nasruddin replied, "I was just thinking that either you've never been whipped, or perhaps you don't know how to count."
Tamerlane also started laughing and reduced the sentence to just fifty lashes.
Nasruddin's laughter thus saved the soldier's life.
~ 186. Nasruddin and the King's Gallows ~
"No more lies!" shouted the king. "Henceforth, everyone tells the truth."
The king then built a gallows by the palace gate.
"Truthtellers shall pass through; liars will be hanged!" the king declared.
Nasruddin arrived at the gate.
"Where are you going?" asked the king.
"I'm going to be hanged."
"You are lying!" protested the king.
"Correct," said Nasruddin, "I was on my way to the barber. So hang me!"
Then he grinned. "But you can't hang me, can you? Because then I'd be telling the truth."
Thus Nasruddin persuaded the king to revoke his decree and take down the gallows.
~ 187. Nasruddin and the King's Astrologers ~
"Tell me how long I will live!" the king shouted at his four royal astrologers.
"Five years!"
"Ten years!"
"A hundred years!"
"You will live forever!"
"These astrologers are all worthless," said the king. "Their numbers are too low or too high. Executioner, behead the four royal astrologers."
Then the king turned to Nasruddin. "Tell me what you think, Nasruddin: how long will I live?"
Nasruddin smiled. "An angel told me the answer to that question in a vision last night," he told the king. "Behold, said the angel, you and the king will die on the very same day!"
~ 188. Nasruddin and the Mayor's Funeral ~
It was the day of the mayor's funeral. Nasruddin and the mayor had been enemies for many years, but Nasruddin's wife decided they were both going to the funeral.
"Let bygones be bygones," she said. "Hurry, or we'll be late!"
She was ready to go, but Nasruddin had not even started to get dressed yet.
"Nasruddin!" she yelled. "You have to get dressed! It's not polite to show up late to a funeral."
"I don't think I'm going to go to the mayor's funeral," Nasruddin replied. "What's the point after all? He is certainly not going to come to mine."
~ 189. The Wealthy Man's Funeral ~
There was a funeral procession in the town for a very wealthy gentleman. Nasruddin put on his robes of mourning and joined in the procession, weeping copious tears and bewailing the deceased.
"Nasruddin," said one of his friends, "what are you doing here? I didn't even know that you were acquainted with this man. I'm surprised to find you here mourning his death with such feeling."
"I didn't know him," sobbed Nasruddin. "I never met him, not even once. Which is why I am certain that he has not remembered me in his will. That's the reason why I'm weeping!"
~ 190. Watching a Funeral Procession ~
Nasruddin and his young son were walking through the town when they saw a funeral procession coming down the street. The boy had never seen a funeral procession before.
"What is that?" he asked.
"That is a funeral procession," Nasruddin explained. "There is a dead person in the casket."
"And where are they taking the casket?" asked the boy.
"They are taking it to a place of darkness without food or drink, without silver or gold, without comfort, without hope..." replied Nasruddin mournfully.
"I don't understand," said the little boy. "Do you mean they are taking him to our house?"
~ 191. Nasruddin's Funeral Robes ~
Nasruddin walked into the coffeehouse dressed as if he were going to a funeral. His friends, seeing his clothes, greeted him somberly and in hushed tones.
"My deep condolences," one of them said to Nasruddin. "Who is it that has died? I did not know there was a funeral today."
"Nobody has died," Nasruddin replied. "At least, not that I've heard. What makes you think someone has died?"
"You are wearing your funeral robes!"
"Oh, I see what you mean," said Nasruddin, looking down at his clothes. "I thought I should be prepared in case someone does die, that's all."
~ 192. Nasruddin's Pet Lamb ~
Nasruddin had a beloved pet lamb, but his friends wanted to roast Nasruddin's lamb and eat it.
"Judgment Day is coming!" Nasruddin's friends told him. "We better eat that lamb of yours before the world ends."
Nasruddin agreed, and his friends organized a picnic.
While the lamb was roasting, everyone undressed and went swimming. Nasruddin, however, sat alone by the fire, and when the fire died down, he burned the clothes to keep the fire going.
Then his friends returned. "How could you burn our clothes?" they yelled.
"What's the difference?" Nasruddin replied. "You won't need clothes on Judgment Day."
~ 193. Nasruddin's Funeral Arrangements ~
Nasruddin was getting his affairs in order because he had a sense that his life was coming to an end. He arranged his will, said goodbye to his friends, and then he gave strict instructions to his wife about his funeral arrangements.
"And the most important thing," he concluded, "is that you bury me in the ground upside-down: feet up and head down."
His wife was shocked. "That sounds very strange!"
"Everyone says that on the Day of Judgment, the whole world will be turned upside-down," Nasruddin explained. "When that happens, then I'll be the only one who is right-side-up!"
~ 194. What Happens After We Die? ~
As Nasruddin's fame as a wise man spread, people came from far and wide, seeking answers to life's big questions.
One day, a man came all the way from Baghdad to see Nasruddin. "I have a question for you," said the man. "I want to know what happens to us after we die."
Nasruddin paused for a moment, and then smiled.
"Come with me," he said. "I know who can answer your question."
Nasruddin then led the man through the streets of the city until they found themselves at the cemetery.
"You need to ask them," Nasruddin said, "not me."
~ 195. Prayers for the Dying ~
Nasruddin was summoned to the bedside of a dying man. The man had quite a bad reputation, but Nasruddin took pity on him and agreed to go.
"Pray for my soul to find peace in heaven!" he said to Nasruddin.
Nasruddin prayed, "May God help this poor man as he passes from this life."
Then he added, "May the Devil likewise help this poor man as he passes from this life."
"But I asked you to pray for my soul to find peace in heaven," the man protested.
"In your case," said Nasruddin, "we can't afford to take any chances."
~ 196. Nasruddin's Will ~
Nasruddin went to see a lawyer about making a will.
"I'll be glad to help you," said the lawyer. "Just tell me how to divide your estate."
Nasruddin consulted a piece of paper he had brought with him. "A thousand gold coins to every member of my family, five thousand to the orphanage, another five thousand to the mosque, and then twenty thousand to distribute to the poor of the city."
The lawyer was amazed. "I had no idea you were so wealthy!"
"Oh, I don't actually have any money," Nasruddin explained. "But I still have great feelings of generosity!"
~ 197. Nasruddin's Death ~
Chopping wood in the forest, Nasruddin felt very cold. He'd never felt so cold! "I must be dead," he thought, so he lay down, stretched out like a corpse.
Then he realized his body had to be carried to the cemetery, so he went home to tell his wife. "I died in the forest. Tell my friends to come get my body."
Nasruddin returned to lie back down in the forest while his wife ran to the coffeehouse. "Nasruddin is lying dead in the forest," she sobbed.
"How do you know?" they asked.
"He came and told me," she replied.
~ 198. Nasruddin in the Cemetery ~
Taking a shortcut through the cemetery one night, Nasruddin fell into an open grave. He waited to see if angels would come greet him.
Then a loud noise frightened him, so he jumped out of the grave and ran.
The noise was a camel caravan, and Nasruddin's unexpected presence startled the camels. They bolted, spilling their cargo.
The camel-drivers, furious, beat Nasruddin badly.
"What happened to you?" asked Nasruddin's wife when he staggered home.
"I died and journeyed to the afterlife."
"Was it so bad there?"
"I think it would have been alright if I had not upset the camels."
~ 199. Nasruddin on his Deathbed ~
Nasruddin's wife sat beside him on his deathbed, weeping uncontrollably.
"Don't cry, my dear," Nasruddin told her in a tremulous voice. "In fact, I want to see you wearing your best clothes and finest jewelry. And put on some makeup. It's very important that you look absolutely gorgeous."
"Oh, my dearest husband, I don't think I can do that," she replied sadly. "My grief is too great."
"Please, wife, just do what I say," Nasruddin insisted. "Then, when the Angel of Death arrives and sees you, he might change his mind and take you away with him instead of me!"
~ 200. Nasruddin's Final Prayers ~
The Angel of Death arrived to take Nasruddin. "It's time," said the Angel.
Nasruddin was alarmed. "I've done some dubious things in my life, and I haven't always been a good Muslim. Can you at least let me say the day's five prayers before I die?"
The Angel was compassionate and agreed. "I will be back tomorrow at this same time."
As promised, the Angel returned the next day.
"But I haven't finished my five prayers yet!" Nasruddin protested. "I've only done two."
"And when will you say the rest?" asked the Angel.
"In my own time," Nasruddin replied, smiling.
Nasruddin had gone fishing with a friend in a very small sailboat.
While they were far from shore, a sudden storm blew up unexpectedly. Fierce winds ripped the sails to shreds and waves tossed the boat back and forth.
When the little boat began to fill with water, Nasruddin was truly frightened. "What are we going to do?" he shouted at his friend.
"Do not worry," said his friend calmly. "Let us direct our prayers to God, who is great and merciful."
"God is great and merciful, I know," replied Nasruddin, "but this boat is small and it is sinking!"
~ 152. Nasruddin and the Ship's Passengers ~
Nasruddin was working on a ship, but he still made sure to say his daily prayers. The passengers all laughed at him, though, and they did not say their prayers.
Then, a sudden storm blew up and the ship was in danger of sinking. All the passengers began to pray loudly to God.
"O God," each passenger shouted, "you are great and merciful! Spare us! Please! I'll be a good Muslim! I'll dedicate my life to your service!"
After a while, Nasruddin shouted, "I see land ahead. We're saved!" And then he added, "You can stop your pretended devotions now."
~ 153. Nasruddin's Hurried Prayers ~
Nasruddin was in a hurry when he went into the mosque to say his prayers.
When the imam saw how quickly Nasruddin was praying, he hit Nasruddin on the head. "Say your prayers again!" he commanded. "And show some respect this time."
Nasruddin said his prayers again, more slowly.
"That was better!" said the imam. "I'm sure God was more pleased with your prayers the second time than the first time."
"I'm not so sure," said Nasruddin. "The first time I said my prayers in obedience to God, but the second time I said my prayers in obedience to you."
~ 154. Nasruddin Needs New Shoes ~
Nasruddin wasn't a wealthy man. His clothes were threadbare, and his shoes were even worse, much to Nasruddin's shame. He wanted to buy new shoes, but he couldn't even afford to pay the shoemaker to repair his old shoes.
A friend sought to console him. "Don't worry, Nasruddin," he said. "Your shoes may be shabby now, but God has promised that anyone suffering from need and want in this world will be rewarded in Paradise."
"I was thinking about that," replied Nasruddin, "and I realized there must be a lot of angels who are working as shoemakers there in Paradise."
~ 155. Nasruddin's Inshallah ~
"I'm going to buy a new donkey tomorrow," declared Nasruddin.
His wife rebuked him. "You should say 'Insh'allah!'"
But Nasruddin was feeling self-confident and refused to say "God-willing."
The next day he bought his donkey.
"I'm doing fine on my own!" he thought to himself.
But on the way home, a snake startled the donkey.
The donkey bolted, throwing Nasruddin into the brambles.
Nasruddin was scratched, his clothes were torn, and his donkey was gone.
It was dark when Nasruddin got home.
He knocked at the door.
"Who is it?" his wife asked.
"Nasruddin!" he replied. Then he added, "Insh'allah!"
~ 156. Who Gets the Loaf of Bread? ~
Nasruddin was traveling together with an ascetic and a scholar, and they had found four loaves of bread.
They each ate one loaf, and then quarreled about the fourth.
Nobody wanted to share, so Nasruddin said, "Whoever has the best dream gets the bread!"
The next morning, the ascetic said, "I dreamed I kissed God's feet. What could top that?"
The scholar said, "My dream's better: God embraced me and praised my wisdom!"
Then Nasruddin said, "In my dream, God came to me and said, 'Nasruddin, what are you lying there for? Go eat the bread now!' So I did."
~ 157. Nasruddin Sees as God Sees ~
Nasruddin was preaching about the divine mysteries. "A thousand years on earth are but one second in God's time," he proclaimed. "Let us see as God sees in order that we may make a heaven on this earth."
"What a fine sermon!" said Nasruddin's neighbor afterwards. "I'm wondering if money works the same way as time. What do a thousand gold coins mean to you?"
"They mean less than a single copper coin!" Nasruddin replied.
"In that case, could you loan me a thousand gold coins?"
"Of course!" said Nasruddin. "Just wait a divine second while I go get them."
~ 158. Nasruddin Commands the Tree ~
"I'm actually a saint," Nasruddin told his neighbor. "And as a saint, I have supernatural powers."
"Prove it!" said his neighbor. "If you have supernatural powers, command that tree over there to come here and bow down to you."
"O Tree," shouted Nasruddin, "come here and bow down to me!"
The tree did not move.
Nasruddin waited a moment, and then he walked over to the tree and bowed down before it.
"What are you doing?" asked his neighbor.
"Saints like me are also very modest," Nasruddin explained. "If the tree won't come to me, I'll go to the tree."
~ 159. Nasruddin by Night ~
"You wouldn't know it just by looking at me," said Nasruddin, "but I have truly miraculous powers."
Nasruddin's friend laughed. "So tell me," he said, "what is your most miraculous power?"
"I can see in the dark! In the darkest darkness, I can see as clearly as if it were broad daylight. I need no light of any kind."
"Surely you’re joking!" his friend objected. "I’ve seen you carrying a lantern in the dark, just like everybody else does."
"Of course!" said Nasruddin, smiling. "But I carry a lantern in the dark only so that others won't run into me."
~ 160. Nasruddin's Tears ~
The imam of Nasruddin's village was delivering a sermon about the prophets, extolling their excellent qualities and illustrious deeds.
As the imam was speaking, Nasruddin began to weep loudly.
"Behold this man's sincere devotion!" the imam exclaimed. "My sermon has moved him to tears."
"It's true," said Nasruddin, sobbing. "This morning, I woke up to discover that my favorite goat had suddenly passed away, and it broke my heart. As I watch your beard wagging back and forth as you speak, it makes me think of my poor dead goat, and I can't help but weep these tears of sorrow."
~ 161. Nasruddin's Lullaby ~
Nasruddin's wife had just given birth, but the baby was restless. She rocked the baby, sang to him, doing everything she could to lull the infant to sleep, but nothing seemed to work.
"I'll take care of it," said Nasruddin.
"You don't know anything about babies!" his wife replied.
"But I know how to put people to sleep," said Nasruddin. "My pupils often fall asleep during my lectures. I'll try lecturing first, and if that doesn't work, I'll give him this boring book to read." Nasruddin took a book down off the shelf. "It puts me to sleep every time!"
~ 162. The Turban of a Scholar ~
People who could not read would sometimes bring letters to Nasruddin so that he could read the letters to them.
One man had brought Nasruddin a letter to read, but the handwriting was terrible.
"This is the worst handwriting I have ever seen," said Nasruddin. "I can't read this letter."
The man was indignant. "You wear the turban of a scholar, but you can't even read a simple letter from my brother."
Nasruddin pulled the turban off his head and threw it at the man. "Go ahead! Take the turban," he said, "and see if you can do any better!"
~ 163. The Eagle Jaliz ~
A scholar was boasting about his knowledge of Islamic traditions. What color was Mohammad's horse? The scholar knew. What is the favorite food of the angels? He knew that too.
Eager to display his knowledge, Nasruddin shouted out, "Jaliz!"
The scholar stared at him coldly. "Is that some kind of name?"
"It's the name of the eagle who swooped down and carried Moses away," replied Nasruddin.
"But there is no record of an eagle swooping down and carrying Moses away."
"Well," retorted Nasruddin, "then Jaliz is the name of the eagle who did not swoop down and carry Moses away."
~ 164. What Is Bread? ~
Some renowned wise men challenged Nasruddin to a contest. Nasruddin agreed, provided he could ask the first question.
This was his question: What is bread?
The wise men wrote their answers on pieces of paper. Nasruddin then read their answers aloud:
Bread is made with flour and water.
Bread is my favorite food.
Bread is a gift of God.
Bread is delicious.
Bread is baked in an oven.
Bread is the staff of life.
Nasruddin sighed. "These supposed wise men cannot even agree what bread is! Why then should we listen to what they say about matters of real difficulty?"
~ 165. Nasruddin and the Butterfly ~
Nasruddin was obsessed with butterflies. Whenever he saw a butterfly, he would stop whatever he was doing and watch the butterfly. He would get up and follow the butterfly, going wherever the butterfly would go until finally it would flutter away.
"I must learn what a butterfly truly is!" Nasruddin declared, so he got a net and caught a butterfly.
Then he took the butterfly and carefully removed its wings.
Next he removed the two antennae, and then the legs, and also the head.
"I can see all the butterfly's parts now," said Nasruddin. "But where did the butterfly go?"
~ 166. Nasruddin Plays the Lute ~
"I can play any instrument!" Nasruddin declared confidently.
His friend gave him a lute. "Play this!" he said.
Nasruddin grabbed the lute and awkwardly strummed a single chord. He then strummed the same chord over and over, smiling contentedly the whole time.
"That sounds horrible," Nasruddin’s friend protested. "Real lute players move their hands up and down when they are playing music on the lute."
"That’s because they don’t know what they're doing, unlike me," retorted Nasruddin. "They are unsure where to find the notes they are looking for, but I know exactly the chord that I want to play."
~ 167. Nasruddin's Grammar ~
Nasruddin was traveling by ship, and a famous scholar was also on board.
Every time Nasruddin spoke, the scholar mocked him. "I've never heard such atrocious language. Didn't you study grammar in school?"
Nasruddin shook his head.
"Well," said the scholar, "I'd say you've wasted your life."
The ship was then caught in a storm.
"Abandon ship!" shouted the captain.
Nasruddin then turned to the scholar and asked, "Didn't you study swimming in school?"
The terrified scholar shook his head.
"Well," said Nasruddin, "I'd say you've wasted your life."
Nasruddin then jumped into the water and swam safely to shore.
~ 168. Nasruddin's Sermon ~
Nasruddin was preaching in a village for the first time.
"Do you know what I'm going to say?" Nasruddin asked.
"No!" the people shouted.
"How can I preach to people so ignorant?" he said and left.
They begged him to come back.
"Do you know what I'm going to say?" he asked again.
"Yes!" they shouted.
"Good! We can all leave."
But they asked him to try one more time.
"Do you know what I'm going to say?" he asked.
"Yes!" shouted some. "No!" shouted others.
"So let those who know teach those who don't!"
That was Nasruddin's last sermon.
~ 169. The Center of the Universe ~
There was a fortune-teller in the marketplace who resented Nasruddin boasting about how wise he was.
"If you're so wise," he said to Nasruddin, "please tell me: where is the center of the universe?" Then he added by way of emphasis, "The exact center."
Nasruddin stroked his beard, looking thoughtful. He then walked over to his donkey and stared at him intently.
"The exact center of the universe," Nasruddin declared, "is under my donkey's right hind hoof."
"Impossible!" retorted the fortune-teller. "You must prove to me that you're right!"
"No," said Nasruddin, "you must prove to me that I'm wrong."
~ 170. The Scholar's Knife ~
The governor issued a decree that nobody in the city was to carry any kind of weapon in public, including knives.
So, when Nasruddin was caught carrying a knife - and it was a very big knife! - they took him to court.
"Why were you carrying that knife?" asked the judge.
"I need it for my work," replied Nasruddin.
"What are you, some kind of butcher?"
"No, I'm not a butcher. I'm a scholar. I use the knife to scrape off errors in manuscripts."
"Why such a big knife?"
"You wouldn't believe the size of some of these errors, Your Honor!"
~ 171. Nasruddin Meets the Governor ~
After a long journey, Nasruddin returned from the big city to his hometown. He looked like some kind of conquering hero, riding proudly on his donkey.
The people all gathered around. "Tell us about your visit to the big city, Nasruddin!" they said.
"Well," replied Nasruddin, as he grinned happily at everyone in the crowd, "the governor himself spoke to me!"
"Oooh!" said some people in the crowd. "Ahhhh!" said others.
"And what exactly did he say to you?" asked Nasruddin's wife.
"He said: 'Get out of my way, you idiot!' Those were the words the governor spoke to me."
~ 172. The Governor Rewards Nasruddin ~
Nasruddin once did a favor for the governor, and the governor announced that he was going to bestow on Nasruddin a great reward. Naturally, Nasruddin was curious what reward the governor would give him.
"Nasruddin," said the governor, "because of your great service to me and to the state, I offer you my eternal friendship."
Nasruddin thought for a moment before he replied. "Thank you, Governor. That is very kind of you," he said. "But if you don't mind, I think I would rather you offered me some gold coins or perhaps a donkey. That would be far more useful."
~ 173. The Governor's Survey ~
The newly appointed governor of the province summoned Nasruddin for an urgent consultation.
"I'm worried," said the governor, "and I need your advice. In my brief time here in the province, I've already met quite a few people who are undoubtedly insane. I find this troubling, and I think we need to conduct a survey to find out just how many people in the province are suffering from insanity. What do you think?"
"Well, Governor, I don't think that's the right approach," replied Nasruddin. "What makes you suspect there are any sane people here in the province to begin with?"
~ 174. The Governor's Poetry ~
The governor considered himself a poet, and one day he asked Nasruddin to listen to his latest poem.
"The content is extremely tedious," Nasruddin told him afterwards, "and the style is even worse."
Enraged, the governor put Nasruddin in jail.
Time passed.
The governor had composed a new poem and decided to give Nasruddin a second chance. He summoned Nasruddin back to court, recited the new poem, and then asked his opinion.
Without a word, Nasruddin got up and started to leave the room.
"Just where do you think you are going?" shouted the governor.
"Back to jail," replied Nasruddin.
~ 175. Guards and Thieves ~
Nasruddin was walking around the perimeter of the imperial palace one day, and he decided to speak with the palace guards standing along the wall.
"Greetings!" said Nasruddin.
The guards nodded silently in reply.
"I would like to know what your duties are exactly. Can you tell me why you are standing guard here?" asked Nasruddin.
"We stand guard to keep any thieves from climbing over the wall."
"I see," said Nasruddin. "And are you more concerned about thieves from outside who are trying to get into the palace, or thieves inside the palace who are trying to get out?"
~ 176. Emperor Tamerlane's Tax Collector ~
Tamerlane was convinced that his tax collector had been cheating him. "Bring the tax collector here! And his account books too!" shouted the emperor.
When the tax collector arrived with his account books, Tamerlane interrogated him. Not satisfied with the answers, Tamerlane made him eat the books page by page.
"Nasruddin," Tamerlane shouted, "you are now my new tax collector."
When Tamerlane later summoned Nasruddin to bring the account books, Nasruddin wheeled in a cart full of bread.
"What on earth is that?" the emperor asked.
"I wrote the accounts on these loaves of bread," explained Nasruddin. "Just in case."
~ 177. Nasruddin and the Roast Pheasant ~
"Ah, roast pheasant! My favorite!" said Emperor Tamerlane. "Nasruddin, you will carve and serve."
"I offer you the head, O Head of the World," he said to Tamerlane.
"The wings are for you," he said to the Treasurer, "so you can fly off as soon as your embezzlement is discovered."
"Here are the legs," he said to the General, "for running from battle."
"Take the neck," he said to the Prime Minister, "for you're sure to be hanged sooner or later."
"The rest of the pheasant is mine," Nasruddin concluded, "because I have done such an excellent job of carving."
~ 178. The Emperor and the Eggplants ~
Tamerlane had become obsessed with eggplants. He wanted to eat eggplants every day. "Aren't eggplants the best food in the world?" he asked Nasruddin.
"Yes, sire," said Nasruddin, "eggplants are the best."
Eventually the king got tired of eating eggplants. "Take this away!" he shouted. "I never want to see another eggplant."
Then he said to Nasruddin, "Aren't eggplants the worst food in the world?"
"Yes, sire," said Nasruddin, "eggplants are the worst."
"But didn't you tell me the other day that eggplants are the best?"
"Yes, sire," said Nasruddin. "My loyalty is to the emperor, not to the eggplants."
~ 179. A Gift for the Emperor ~
Nasruddin was bringing a gift of coconuts to the emperor when another courtier stopped him.
"Give him apricots instead," he whispered to Nasruddin. "Ripe apricots. As ripe as possible. Trust me."
Nasruddin heeded the courtier's advice and returned with a tray of apricots.
"For you, O Great One!" said Nasruddin.
The emperor, however, was in a foul mood. "What kind of gift is this!" he shouted as he pelted Nasruddin with apricots.
"Thanks be to God!" shouted Nasruddin. "Thanks be to God!"
"Why are you thanking God like that?" Tamerlane asked.
"I'm thanking God those are apricots instead of coconuts."
~ 180. Tamerlane and Nasruddin's Donkey ~
"My donkey is so smart I could teach him to read," declared Nasruddin.
The emperor laughed. "Teach him to read, and I'll give you a hundred gold coins."
Nasruddin hurried home, took a book, and put barley between the pages. The donkey turned the pages with his tongue, eating all the barley.
Over time, Nasruddin reduced the amount of barley between the pages. Then, he returned to Tamerlane.
"Behold: the donkey who reads!"
As the donkey turned the pages and didn't find any barley, he started to bray.
"That's not reading!" objected Tamerlane.
Nasruddin laughed. "That's how a donkey reads!"
~ 181. Nasruddin's Bold Claim ~
When Nasruddin was a new minister in Tamerlane's court, he wanted to win the emperor's favor, so he made a bold claim.
"I have an announcement to make!" Nasruddin shouted. "I am actually God in human form."
"Prove it!" replied Tamerlane. "You can't expect us to accept such a claim without proof."
"I have supernatural powers," Nasruddin said calmly. "For example, I can read minds. As God, I can see into every heart and know what people are thinking."
"Then tell me what I'm thinking right now," said Tamerlane.
"Right now," Nasruddin replied, "you're thinking that I am a liar!"
~ 182. Nasruddin the Philosopher ~
A philosopher from a distant land came to Tamerlane's court. "I wish to challenge your philosopher!" he said.
"Nasruddin is my philosopher," replied Tamerlane, and he summoned Nasruddin.
"I will ask you a question," said the foreign philosopher.
"Ask me anything," replied Nasruddin.
"What is the number of stars in the sky?"
Nasruddin smiled. "That's an easy one! The number of stars in the sky is exactly equal to the number of the hairs in my donkey's tail."
"Absurd!" replied the foreign philosopher. "How can you prove it?"
"If you don't believe me," Nasruddin replied, "you can count them yourself."
~ 183. Nasruddin's Qualifications ~
"You're going to be my new judge!" Tamerlane said to Nasruddin, but Nasruddin didn't want the job.
"O Emperor," Nasruddin said apologetically, "I'm not worthy of this honor."
"What do you mean you're not worthy?" exclaimed Tamerlane.
"Well, a judge must be worthy and also truthful," said Nasruddin, "isn't that correct?"
"Yes," said Tamerlane, "that's correct."
"As I already said: I'm not worthy. If I spoke the truth, that disqualifies me: I'm not worthy. If I'm lying and I really am worthy, then I'm disqualified because I'm a liar. Either way," Nasruddin concluded, "I'm not qualified to be your judge."
~ 184. Nasruddin the Archer ~
Tamerlane and his generals were boasting about their archery skills.
"I'm a rather skilled archer myself," proclaimed Nasruddin.
"Is that so?" said Tamerlane, laughing. "Come and show us!"
That was not what Nasruddin expected...
Tamerlane led them all to a field where targets had been set up. Nasruddin's first shot didn't even hit the target.
"I'm just showing you how my father used to shoot."
The next shot landed on the outside rim of the target.
"That's how my brother shoots," Nasruddin said.
On his third shot, Nasruddin hit the center. "And that," he exclaimed triumphantly, "is how I shoot!"
~ 185. Nasruddin and Tamerlane's Whip ~
Serving in Tamerlane's court, Nasruddin saw the emperor engage in many acts of cruelty. Whenever possible, Nasruddin tried to intervene.
One time, the guards brought in a soldier. "He was passed out drunk while on duty, Your Highness," they said.
"I sentence him to five thousand lashes!" the emperor shouted.
Nasruddin burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" asked Tamerlane.
"O Emperor," Nasruddin replied, "I was just thinking that either you've never been whipped, or perhaps you don't know how to count."
Tamerlane also started laughing and reduced the sentence to just fifty lashes.
Nasruddin's laughter thus saved the soldier's life.
~ 186. Nasruddin and the King's Gallows ~
"No more lies!" shouted the king. "Henceforth, everyone tells the truth."
The king then built a gallows by the palace gate.
"Truthtellers shall pass through; liars will be hanged!" the king declared.
Nasruddin arrived at the gate.
"Where are you going?" asked the king.
"I'm going to be hanged."
"You are lying!" protested the king.
"Correct," said Nasruddin, "I was on my way to the barber. So hang me!"
Then he grinned. "But you can't hang me, can you? Because then I'd be telling the truth."
Thus Nasruddin persuaded the king to revoke his decree and take down the gallows.
~ 187. Nasruddin and the King's Astrologers ~
"Tell me how long I will live!" the king shouted at his four royal astrologers.
"Five years!"
"Ten years!"
"A hundred years!"
"You will live forever!"
"These astrologers are all worthless," said the king. "Their numbers are too low or too high. Executioner, behead the four royal astrologers."
Then the king turned to Nasruddin. "Tell me what you think, Nasruddin: how long will I live?"
Nasruddin smiled. "An angel told me the answer to that question in a vision last night," he told the king. "Behold, said the angel, you and the king will die on the very same day!"
~ 188. Nasruddin and the Mayor's Funeral ~
It was the day of the mayor's funeral. Nasruddin and the mayor had been enemies for many years, but Nasruddin's wife decided they were both going to the funeral.
"Let bygones be bygones," she said. "Hurry, or we'll be late!"
She was ready to go, but Nasruddin had not even started to get dressed yet.
"Nasruddin!" she yelled. "You have to get dressed! It's not polite to show up late to a funeral."
"I don't think I'm going to go to the mayor's funeral," Nasruddin replied. "What's the point after all? He is certainly not going to come to mine."
~ 189. The Wealthy Man's Funeral ~
There was a funeral procession in the town for a very wealthy gentleman. Nasruddin put on his robes of mourning and joined in the procession, weeping copious tears and bewailing the deceased.
"Nasruddin," said one of his friends, "what are you doing here? I didn't even know that you were acquainted with this man. I'm surprised to find you here mourning his death with such feeling."
"I didn't know him," sobbed Nasruddin. "I never met him, not even once. Which is why I am certain that he has not remembered me in his will. That's the reason why I'm weeping!"
~ 190. Watching a Funeral Procession ~
Nasruddin and his young son were walking through the town when they saw a funeral procession coming down the street. The boy had never seen a funeral procession before.
"What is that?" he asked.
"That is a funeral procession," Nasruddin explained. "There is a dead person in the casket."
"And where are they taking the casket?" asked the boy.
"They are taking it to a place of darkness without food or drink, without silver or gold, without comfort, without hope..." replied Nasruddin mournfully.
"I don't understand," said the little boy. "Do you mean they are taking him to our house?"
~ 191. Nasruddin's Funeral Robes ~
Nasruddin walked into the coffeehouse dressed as if he were going to a funeral. His friends, seeing his clothes, greeted him somberly and in hushed tones.
"My deep condolences," one of them said to Nasruddin. "Who is it that has died? I did not know there was a funeral today."
"Nobody has died," Nasruddin replied. "At least, not that I've heard. What makes you think someone has died?"
"You are wearing your funeral robes!"
"Oh, I see what you mean," said Nasruddin, looking down at his clothes. "I thought I should be prepared in case someone does die, that's all."
~ 192. Nasruddin's Pet Lamb ~
Nasruddin had a beloved pet lamb, but his friends wanted to roast Nasruddin's lamb and eat it.
"Judgment Day is coming!" Nasruddin's friends told him. "We better eat that lamb of yours before the world ends."
Nasruddin agreed, and his friends organized a picnic.
While the lamb was roasting, everyone undressed and went swimming. Nasruddin, however, sat alone by the fire, and when the fire died down, he burned the clothes to keep the fire going.
Then his friends returned. "How could you burn our clothes?" they yelled.
"What's the difference?" Nasruddin replied. "You won't need clothes on Judgment Day."
~ 193. Nasruddin's Funeral Arrangements ~
Nasruddin was getting his affairs in order because he had a sense that his life was coming to an end. He arranged his will, said goodbye to his friends, and then he gave strict instructions to his wife about his funeral arrangements.
"And the most important thing," he concluded, "is that you bury me in the ground upside-down: feet up and head down."
His wife was shocked. "That sounds very strange!"
"Everyone says that on the Day of Judgment, the whole world will be turned upside-down," Nasruddin explained. "When that happens, then I'll be the only one who is right-side-up!"
~ 194. What Happens After We Die? ~
As Nasruddin's fame as a wise man spread, people came from far and wide, seeking answers to life's big questions.
One day, a man came all the way from Baghdad to see Nasruddin. "I have a question for you," said the man. "I want to know what happens to us after we die."
Nasruddin paused for a moment, and then smiled.
"Come with me," he said. "I know who can answer your question."
Nasruddin then led the man through the streets of the city until they found themselves at the cemetery.
"You need to ask them," Nasruddin said, "not me."
~ 195. Prayers for the Dying ~
Nasruddin was summoned to the bedside of a dying man. The man had quite a bad reputation, but Nasruddin took pity on him and agreed to go.
"Pray for my soul to find peace in heaven!" he said to Nasruddin.
Nasruddin prayed, "May God help this poor man as he passes from this life."
Then he added, "May the Devil likewise help this poor man as he passes from this life."
"But I asked you to pray for my soul to find peace in heaven," the man protested.
"In your case," said Nasruddin, "we can't afford to take any chances."
~ 196. Nasruddin's Will ~
Nasruddin went to see a lawyer about making a will.
"I'll be glad to help you," said the lawyer. "Just tell me how to divide your estate."
Nasruddin consulted a piece of paper he had brought with him. "A thousand gold coins to every member of my family, five thousand to the orphanage, another five thousand to the mosque, and then twenty thousand to distribute to the poor of the city."
The lawyer was amazed. "I had no idea you were so wealthy!"
"Oh, I don't actually have any money," Nasruddin explained. "But I still have great feelings of generosity!"
~ 197. Nasruddin's Death ~
Chopping wood in the forest, Nasruddin felt very cold. He'd never felt so cold! "I must be dead," he thought, so he lay down, stretched out like a corpse.
Then he realized his body had to be carried to the cemetery, so he went home to tell his wife. "I died in the forest. Tell my friends to come get my body."
Nasruddin returned to lie back down in the forest while his wife ran to the coffeehouse. "Nasruddin is lying dead in the forest," she sobbed.
"How do you know?" they asked.
"He came and told me," she replied.
~ 198. Nasruddin in the Cemetery ~
Taking a shortcut through the cemetery one night, Nasruddin fell into an open grave. He waited to see if angels would come greet him.
Then a loud noise frightened him, so he jumped out of the grave and ran.
The noise was a camel caravan, and Nasruddin's unexpected presence startled the camels. They bolted, spilling their cargo.
The camel-drivers, furious, beat Nasruddin badly.
"What happened to you?" asked Nasruddin's wife when he staggered home.
"I died and journeyed to the afterlife."
"Was it so bad there?"
"I think it would have been alright if I had not upset the camels."
~ 199. Nasruddin on his Deathbed ~
Nasruddin's wife sat beside him on his deathbed, weeping uncontrollably.
"Don't cry, my dear," Nasruddin told her in a tremulous voice. "In fact, I want to see you wearing your best clothes and finest jewelry. And put on some makeup. It's very important that you look absolutely gorgeous."
"Oh, my dearest husband, I don't think I can do that," she replied sadly. "My grief is too great."
"Please, wife, just do what I say," Nasruddin insisted. "Then, when the Angel of Death arrives and sees you, he might change his mind and take you away with him instead of me!"
~ 200. Nasruddin's Final Prayers ~
The Angel of Death arrived to take Nasruddin. "It's time," said the Angel.
Nasruddin was alarmed. "I've done some dubious things in my life, and I haven't always been a good Muslim. Can you at least let me say the day's five prayers before I die?"
The Angel was compassionate and agreed. "I will be back tomorrow at this same time."
As promised, the Angel returned the next day.
"But I haven't finished my five prayers yet!" Nasruddin protested. "I've only done two."
"And when will you say the rest?" asked the Angel.
"In my own time," Nasruddin replied, smiling.
